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I Miss Hillary

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Nov. 5th, 2006 | 05:27 pm

It's been a long time since I last talked to my beautiful friend Hillary. A scourge, a virus, a demon and a plague prevented me from talking to her. Don't get me wrong, Ashley was a great girl and I absolutely love her but, sometimes she just pisses me off. Sometimes I envy her, she gets to live a nice sheltered life while I get to walk among the waste lands searching for hope. I spread myself too far. To the south east, my friends, to the midwest, my family and in Washington, my biggest burden. I don't feel like fighting with Ashley and I don't feel like begging for her to come back to me. I said I loved her every night and gave her all kinds of things but in the end, it didn't matter. Ashley was paranoid from day one, she didn't trust me and she just got worse and worse, I don't think she ever loved me because of how she just suddenly left me. I mean, it wasn't out of the blue but still, it was an important decision. She could have talked like a normal person, she could have done so much more but instead she left. Why? She's so fucking selfish.

She just barricaded herself. There might have been some affection in her heart but all the time she was just watching from a far. I couldn't breach her, I couldn't break her and worse of all, she got all defensive. She tries to villify me but, she knows its as much her fault as mine. That's how she protects herself. The lie, the dream, the bullshit. I really wanted to be her man, I really wanted to marry her. The whole time though, she was like "Hopefully" and behind my back, "Please don't hurt me." and it went on and on. It was a waste. In the end, I don't understand her anymore. I still want to be with her but if she thinks I'm going to crawl down on my knees for her, its over. I'm in this industrial wasteland where it constantly rains, its always dangerous and its always cold. My bed is a nice little rack. I don't even get a good room. The only other option was a four hour commute every day I could live without. I'm stressed, I'm out of the Navy in a few months and I'm not even sure what I'm going to do. I don't have my mommy backing me up all the time. I don't have a house waiting for me. I've got nothing but a couple grand that won't last long.

I'm giving her a week and if she doesn't want to be with me, fine. I tried, I poor my heart out to her and she keeps herself locked up. I swear, I entertain her and she just laughs. That's how it goes, I do all the suffering, she's just there for the show. She's a Lana Lang, she's nothing more than some annoying macguffin. I love her but we need some serious work. This relationship is as weak and fragile as she is. I don't want to carry all the burden, I don't want to be the bad guy all the time, I want a reason to love her. If there was ever a time I needed love, this would be it yet, she doesn't help. Sometimes, she's just there. That's her role, just to be there. I don't want someone that's just there. I want someone that'll return the love. We can't make it work, fine. I try to reach and hope things get worse and go unnoticed...

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