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I Miss Hillary

Nov. 5th, 2006 | 05:27 pm

It's been a long time since I last talked to my beautiful friend Hillary. A scourge, a virus, a demon and a plague prevented me from talking to her. Don't get me wrong, Ashley was a great girl and I absolutely love her but, sometimes she just pisses me off. Sometimes I envy her, she gets to live a nice sheltered life while I get to walk among the waste lands searching for hope. I spread myself too far. To the south east, my friends, to the midwest, my family and in Washington, my biggest burden. I don't feel like fighting with Ashley and I don't feel like begging for her to come back to me. I said I loved her every night and gave her all kinds of things but in the end, it didn't matter. Ashley was paranoid from day one, she didn't trust me and she just got worse and worse, I don't think she ever loved me because of how she just suddenly left me. I mean, it wasn't out of the blue but still, it was an important decision. She could have talked like a normal person, she could have done so much more but instead she left. Why? She's so fucking selfish.

She just barricaded herself. There might have been some affection in her heart but all the time she was just watching from a far. I couldn't breach her, I couldn't break her and worse of all, she got all defensive. She tries to villify me but, she knows its as much her fault as mine. That's how she protects herself. The lie, the dream, the bullshit. I really wanted to be her man, I really wanted to marry her. The whole time though, she was like "Hopefully" and behind my back, "Please don't hurt me." and it went on and on. It was a waste. In the end, I don't understand her anymore. I still want to be with her but if she thinks I'm going to crawl down on my knees for her, its over. I'm in this industrial wasteland where it constantly rains, its always dangerous and its always cold. My bed is a nice little rack. I don't even get a good room. The only other option was a four hour commute every day I could live without. I'm stressed, I'm out of the Navy in a few months and I'm not even sure what I'm going to do. I don't have my mommy backing me up all the time. I don't have a house waiting for me. I've got nothing but a couple grand that won't last long.

I'm giving her a week and if she doesn't want to be with me, fine. I tried, I poor my heart out to her and she keeps herself locked up. I swear, I entertain her and she just laughs. That's how it goes, I do all the suffering, she's just there for the show. She's a Lana Lang, she's nothing more than some annoying macguffin. I love her but we need some serious work. This relationship is as weak and fragile as she is. I don't want to carry all the burden, I don't want to be the bad guy all the time, I want a reason to love her. If there was ever a time I needed love, this would be it yet, she doesn't help. Sometimes, she's just there. That's her role, just to be there. I don't want someone that's just there. I want someone that'll return the love. We can't make it work, fine. I try to reach and hope things get worse and go unnoticed...

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Walk In The Rain, Drown In The Sorrow

Nov. 3rd, 2006 | 05:18 pm

Well, I had unfortunate accidents this week and was unable to get to my barracks room. It's such a shame, the Navy doesn't screw me out of my four hours a day. Tsk, tsk. I had a revelation yesterday. Brand new OSSRs straight out of "A" School were looking for sponsors. They haven't actually arrived at the Lincoln yet and I was thinking if I get to them, I can help them, I can make them official next generation PAPERCLIPs. I thought about this one kid, OSSR Snow. I don't know if its a guy, I just hope to god its not a woman. When it comes to female SRs and OI division, its like getting invited involuntarily to a freak show and a half. I swear, I think the hottest females in the rate are banned from this ship. As OSSA Allington said today, this is the Devil's Flag Ship. No one pretty walks into this job. :*(. It's not like I want to work with super models but, if I have to save the world, throw us a freaking bone!

The Lincoln's the wrong ship. It's the last ship you should start on. If anything, a Carrier is where you should end your naval career. It's the ULTIMATE vessel. Nothing can beat one. If you see a Navy commercial, you're bound to see one. Our Nuclear carriers are the only carriers in the world that have flat runways. All other carriers in the world have ramps for takeoff. They're the emblem of power, security, technology and pride. Once you reach the ULTIMATE, where is there to go? Our F-18s can beat the shit out of almost anything except some Israeli squardons. Then again, Jews love their money. If they crossed us, they'd lose so much money. It's deplorable. I thought about it, the world's going to pay for its arrogance, in a way, we paid for it over five years ago on 9/11 and we'll pay for it again until the ultimate finale.

I've been reading a good book, a real recent release, only came out a few months ago. World War Z by Matt Brocks. It's an interesting follow up to the Zombie Survival Guidebook. The story is written as an oral account of a fictional zombie war that lasted nearly twelve years. A reporter, the author tracks down people who lived through the ordeal and provides interesting detal that could actually make you believe how doomed we'd be if we had a zombie apocalypse. It starts out in China with a doctor being sent into a remote village to investigate seven people who have been infected by an unknown disease. It's not long before China's overrun with zombies. People get bit and infected but make it out of the country only in time to turn into zombies and infect people creating a global disease. It just goes and goes, getting more interesting. The international feel is neat. One story takes place in Brazil where a doctor receives a mysterious organ from China and does a little transplant on an Austrian patient and its a regular zombie nightmare recipe. Classic. Israel, Russia, Kyrgistan, America and a host of other countries for probably the coolest zombie account ever. Infact, even after just being out for a couple months, its already been picked up for a movie deal and scheduled to be released in 2008.

What happened to the future? 2006 is almost over. We thought the new millenium was going to be an age of amazement, this is a generation of disappointment. Grandeur has become disillusionment. Promise has become an idea. I think the greatest lines from World War Z were about the American people. What the hell are we? We have no grand structures, no national unity, no identity. We are the children, the grandchildren, great grand children of rejects, people that could not make it in their homelands. All we have is hope and dreams, that's what it means to be American. To stand alone when you have nothing. To be on the edge and have nothing left but a prayer. That's why were so violent, so dangerous. All we have is the ability to fight. We don't know what will be there will be tomorrow or the day after, nothing is postive, nothing is sure, nothing is secured, the only thing that ever changes is our arrogance and our bravery. That's why we grew, we made more money and we stand as the most hated country in the world. We don't give a fuck. You got a problem with us, we'll fight you, we'll kill you. We're the children of money and corruption.

I kind of want to call it quits with Ashley sometimes. There's nothing wrong with her but, I can't handle these long distance relationships and now just isn't the best time to have a phone only relationship. Especially in Washington. My cell phone is all fucked up because I stood out in nothing less than a tropical storm. It's a son of a bitch sometimes. If I'd gotten the barracks room, I'd been able to call her and talk to her daily in the comfort of a warm room. If I had though, I would have felt so trapped. I love this girl to death and she needs attention but sometimes, I just want to go play, I want to go have me time. I can't afford to surrender another four hours of my horribly boring days. I can barely do what I want as it is. This place is so limitting. There's no comfort, people tell me I'd make just as much in a regular job and I think of how horrible I live now.

This place is so motherfucking unreal. Like you need to get violent or you just won't be happy. I got woke up at 3am in the morning because some dick was all angry about it being too warm and was asking who the fuck turned up the heat. I'm very docile when I wake up so I was all like, why not just turn the heat down. This place is so unlivable. You'd think I'd want to get as far away from it as possible but fuck it. This place is hell incarnate. I'm not happy. Carrying this girl is almost a burden. It's a necessity. She's my crutch, she keeps me going, she helps me and she gives me hope but, it seems like the world is impossible, I can't win. I hate Tom Cruise's M:I III just because its so ridiculous. I mean the original Mission:Impossible series was one of the smartest shows ever and the first filmm was one of the first summer blockbusters to be criticized for being too smart. The second one had this awesome action sequences and the third just had ridiculous gadgets that no one has and impossible things plus a really boring villain. I gave up. Real life has no villains, only reality. I don't know if I can ever make it but, I want to feel so bad.

I know in the long run, Ashley will be the best and greatest love I could ever have but, this run has already turned into a marathon. It's always tomorrow, tomorrow, never now, never soon, never this moment. The ultimate sum of everything adds up to zero and a couple thousand in your bank account. This girl I love, will I ever be able to take care of her? She's a challenge to the extreme. Her love is so fleeting. She's so eager to let me go? I don't even know why she holds me so long. I wish she would call it quits but you know what, I don't accept it. I will be with her, I will continue, I will see her. The road just gets longer and longer...

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6 Bacon Cheeseburgers, 6 Double Cheese Burgers, 6 McChicken Sandwiches

Oct. 31st, 2006 | 10:11 pm

Ah nothing says Satanic like corporate America and McDonald's. Well, its the second year the Navy has confined me and prevented me from participating in anything Halloween related. I swear, its the same thing year after year. I am glad to see the Navy has embraced the popularity of the holiday by making today only half a day and hopefully in the years to come, a true day off. On that note, the Navy is finally ahead of most of America when it comes to celebrating Pagan Holidays. I'm definately going to make this the last year as this is my last active duty year. Oh man, its been a while since the last entry hasn't it? Where to begin, where to begin?

The Ashley/Dolly Affair

Well, like my educational opportunities, my veteran benefits and my youth, my country has managed to screw me out of being with my love. I was so close to going and seeing Ashley and then my Leave got all fucked up. They hit me with this made up "Fire Fighting School" and completely forgot all about it. The command has no idea what its doing and by following this fool I have shown I am the true fool for there is no direction with this place.

As with our OI Division, the Navy has become a wild Hydra with twelve heads and only one body. The Hydra is indeed a fiersome and mighty monster but its true flaw is its many hides that can't come to one true decision regarding its body. It looks like limbo before I have a reasonable Leave option and I feel bad for Ashley because I have taken her and for taking her, she must now endure what everyone who shares a relationship a man of the service, unpredictable uncertainty. Just like last year, I will be alone this Halloween and now just like last year, this Thanksgiving.

My Final Six Months, The Countdown to Probation "Active Reserve"

Time is running out and its a time of uncertainty and unpredictability. My financical reserve is good but its also limited. My mere thousands will die in days. There's no way to get a steady job and with my release in April, college courses look like they'll be iffy until the fall. There in lies the great "What now?" epidemic. I have started drafting my final edition of 2204 but will it be enough? Will someone actually want to publish it? What will I do with the time I have left?

My division is delirious. I honestly pity the poor souls who will accompany them on Abraham's next voyage for I and most of the OSs I consider truly resourceful and a great aid to the Navy will be out of the Navy or in a different command. The few left now are all but less than a third of the original group that could have handled this deployment. We're going to need more SYSCOMS, D&T is going to need more man power, ZULU and SWC are going to face their own crises. We only have one TRACK SUP and I can name only one person who is a current TOP Watch Sup who will still be with this place. Despite this fact, they blindly pretend they're going to be okay.

The last two weeks have been what I consider "Typically OI." Originally before the deployment began, all E-4 were to fill out special request CHITS for BAH (Basic Allowance for Housing) so all the E-3 and below could move into the Barracks for our DPIA (Drydock Planning Increment of Availability, don't take that one as canon, all these abbreviations are ridiculous) and in true US Military History, all the E-4s filled in the paperwork and started getting apartments and houses so our E-3 and below could get housed.

Well, that was in late July and early August. Now as of the last day of the month of October, all those E-4 have their homes but guess what, they don't get any BAH. Yeah, the government tricked them into buying apartments and stuff and now you know what, they're stuck. The only people E-4 and below that receive BAH at this command are married and or have kids. Don't worry about them though, advancement from E-4 to E-5 in the OS Rate is less than fifty percent on the first try. So in the two periods a year a sailor has a chance to advance, they stand a chance of making that money back later. E-4 to E-5 is the biggest pay advancement in one's military career.

As of FY 07', E-5 basic pay starts out at $2,400 a month. It increases for every two years you've been in the Navy up to a total of twenty years. An E-4 is currently, if they're getting paid for it around $1,600 a month. Now that $800 difference looks like a big rise but, that's not all, the E-5 is automatically entitled to BAH which is nearly as much as their basic pay. A married E-1 who makes about $1200 a month would receive $1,000 BAH for housing in Washington. So yeah, you're starting to come into decent money. Not only that, you get paid more for every kid you have. It's the most idiotic idea ever... paying young people more for having more kids. I guess overpopulation is really helping China out.

Here's where the fun part comes in.

I've been complaining of the barge forever! My division noticed. They tried to get me a room. I found out last week they had a room ready for me. Sounds great, doesn't it? Well, in the Navy you have to think of communism. Yeah, great idea in theory, bad idea in actual practice. They arrange a room for me. I don't have it yet, here's why. This great and glorious room, its all the way over in Everett. It's at the least over a hundred miles away. Which is fucking great! Really. Originally, I was concerned about having to take the daily bus back and forth to work which would take an hour out of my morning and evening. I was an optimist in a world of hurt. The bus ride is actually two hours long. That's dependent on traffic as well.

I loved it, on Monday we were working and stopped so the Admiral who was inspecting could have a clean air environment and good old OS1 Paul comes down and tells me "You know you're suppose to be checking into a Barracks room at Everett today at 12 O'Clock, right?" and I'm all like "No..." So I go check in with OS1 Byrd and he gives me a lil speech and calls the barracks Chief and acts like I got the hookup. Then he finds out, we can only get the room if I check in at 12 and well, at the time I checked in with Byrd, it was around 10:30. Unless you had a plane, there was no way in hell you could make it to Everett in time.

So he goes and does his little speech and "hooks" me up. I get until 1500 on Friday to check in to my room. The conditions are this. I have to check in anytime from 0800 to 1500 though. That basically means I'm shit out of luck though. I have to magically get all my stuff, which isn't much thanks to the Navy, get a ride, I can't really drive there since one I don't own a car and two, I don't even know the way. Three of the diabolical situation has to be the fact, all my current friends are also military which means, every one is also working during those hours. This also means I'm fucked. If I get the room, nothing good will come of it.

In my Rehab team, our work schedule is varied. Somedays, we can work all the way until 1500 when they call Liberty Call or get done as early as 0930. This is all dependent on the work schedule for this week meaning the sooner we get done, the sooner we can leave. This is also a folly because if we get done at said time, we also have to wait until Liberty call to get on the buses and go home. Also, I forfeit four hours every day. A general day covers 0800-1500 about seven hours, fair not to bad. However if it takes two hours, I have to be on the bus before or by 0600 and that means I have to get up at least an hour early if I want to get dressed, shave and be ready on time and make it to the bus. This also means, when I get done 1500, 3PM, I have to ride the bus back during Rush hour. So if I'm lucky, I'll be home hopefully around 5:30PM.

This also fucks me over as most of my people live on the East Coast. Which means, the earliest I can call Mom and Dad are 8:30PM. Now, I hardly call them every day to make time for Ashley. Those few days I do call my family can set me back even more. Now I also have to eat a little something called Dinner. That also takes as little as ten minutes to half an hour. So by then, it'll be 6:30PM. That also means, I'll have only a few hours of what I barely have now, free time. Now I won't rule out that I have the weekends but, there's going to be some definite sleep catching up going on.

Should I call it quits?

Ashley's only putting up with me now because she's used to this kind of crap. Sooner or later, she'll get tired of me. I am trying my damnest with this girl. I am just human and in these conditions, which are practically nothing, she is clearly losing a lot by just being with me. I try to send her text messages every free moment at work. I talk to her in the freezing cold as long as I can. I remember after one cold night, seeing the temperature at 40 degrees. That's just seven degrees from freezing. So probably one or two degrees Celsius to you freaky Metricmancers.

I am so sorry I can't return this girl's love as much as I want to. I am in a state of service. I owe all my strength, all my emotions, all my love to this girl but I also took an oath to aid my country in any way possible. I'll admit I'm not saving the world from utter and total destruction but, I am getting a warship ready for deployment, ready for war. It might be the next bullshit Iraq or it could be the real deal Apocalypse. So for the safety of millions of people, so for the protection of all these people that will never know what its like to serve, I must be one of the few to get this ship battle ready.

I can't give this woman my full attention, I have obligations and duties that have to be taken care of regardless of the situation. It makes me feel bad but, I signed a contract. What can I do? I love her more than she'll ever know but, I feel like I'll never get the day to prove it or anything. I honestly have suffered a lot for my country, they haven't put me in real harm yet but I'm not any better or doing any greater. So like John Kerry said kids, do well in school or end up in the military!

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A Lesson In Reality

Oct. 16th, 2006 | 11:19 pm

Poverty.

It's real and I live in it. New words have to be created to describe the things that are seen and witnessed these days. Ghettoness is not only going to become a real word but a true adjective to these imperial nightmares we want to believe are better but really aren't. Today we hit the epitome of ghetto. I mean, there are extremes but today things have gone way too far and too absurd for even the most blinded people to agree things are really fucked up. Three days ago, this was the most ghetto thing I ever heard:

Telephone rings.

Girl: Hello?

Call ends abruptly.

Girl: I wonder who that was?

Girl's friend: Why don't you *69 them?

Girl: Girl, I am not a hoe!

Yeah, that is ghetto. Today something came out of the blue and completely dominated that. I had spent the day roaming, getting exercise, exploring the great outdoors and upon my return, my fellow shipmate CTSN Clark notified me that someone had stolen one of his hangers. A fucking hanger! My god, why would you steal a hanger? It's like a dollar for six. You can get some really hardcore, really strong ones for three dollars. They are completely not expensive. Hell, I'm sure you can just ask any one for extra hangers. Why the fuck would you have to steal something that expensive. As Clark said, it'd be one thing if he had left out his $400 I-Pod or something expensive but why would you waste time on such an unnecessary item?

On the road to love, I snagged a few minor victories. Ashley and me are still together although it is becoming harder and harder to maintain. I'm going to see her if I can make the final adjustments. My first step is complete, she's agreed. My second one is coming along fine. I had to go get my LES (Leave & Earnings Statement) today. Originally, I was kind of worried because I didn't know if I had enough days on the books to take Leave but I looked and I currently have 8 and should be at 10.5 by the end of this month. Fortunately for my deception, they forgot to update that I took 16 days leave in August and my statement reads I have 24 days in my balance. They're not going to do too much research. Next, I got to go fill out the Leave chit and get it signed. I'm a bit nervous, I know they'll sign but I'm worried Ashley might have second thoughts at any second.

She's scared, so scared that it scares me. I know she's been through a lot but, if were going to make it work, we need to go forward, we can't keep this stalemate going on forever. She's worried she'll bore me or I won't like her. There are particles of atoms bigger than her ego. It makes me worry, I'm about to put down some serious cash for this plane ticket during a holiday season and if she has a second thought or something, I'm going to be stranded in a state where I have no friends or anything. I realize in her that I'm also scared. My track record with women is about as horrible as they come. I don't exactly know how we'll interact. It reminds me of when I first met Christi.

She's my lovely Trinity. She was one of my best friends, we use to do all kinds of things together and one day, I actually met her in real life. We only spent a few hours together and it felt so forced and caged. We just didn't click... she still wanted to be my friend and everything but things were just so very strange. I met her on two different occassions since then. She's still a very dare friend I miss a lot but, things seemed sabotaged and this is going to be an interesting situation. She's not on her own, she lives with her mom and another woman. Alone time is going to be a bit of a problem. I've currently suggested a road trip of some sort to rid her from her daily hell nest. If she takes the bait, the field will be leveled.

This is going to be difficult. I hate when people tell me I look lost. Its stating the terrible truth. I've know this girl for nearly a decade. I have strong feelings for her and this is my one chance to be with her. If it goes well, we'll grow closer and move on and if it fails, I'll be alone again. I'm throwing all my cards on the table and I don't know if the hand I have is good enough but its all I have. I live in a fictional wall, a prison that holds me back and confines me from the things I want. I have to once again journey alone with no support to a world I have never been in before and take my chances to be with the lady I love so much I would gladly spend the rest of my life with her.

It's hard to talk to her sometimes when its in my mind that very soon I'm going to see her. On some fields, its an opportunity to have things, to do things I've always wanted to do. I want it all and I want it all from her. On other fields, this is where the story can come to an end. Something might not click, something could go wrong. I'm standing on the edges of a new reality, a new plain no one but only I can see. The future now more than ever is less written in stone and the chances are 50/50 and everything has to go right or it will all be in vain. I'm going to throw hundreds if not thousands of dollars to make this happen but if it fails, it'll all have been for nought. This is my one last stand. It's everything on the table and if it fails, there's nothing left.

I don't know what to do. There is no road, there is no path, there is just one direction and that direction is shrouded in a forest, a few thousand miles of excitement and despair. Its all or nothing. They tell me not to call it a game but if it isn't a game then what is it? It's a quest. It's an adventure, its a chance to have something you have never had before and you know, I want it so badly I'll throw the money, I'll spend the days, I'll travel the distances but, what happens when that day comes is any one's guess. Will she like me? Will she love me once more, will she let me in? Will she accept me? Can I rescue her from her prison or will she let me go?

There's nowhere for me to go. There's no backup, there is no support, this is the ultimate solo mission. Something that has to happen at any cost. In all of my days from the beginning until the end will there never be something like this again. Failure is not an option but its a blatant possibility. There's a lot of bad history, a lot of drama and a lot of horrible luck to go around for generations. I can't be helped, I can't walk away, I can quit at any time but the costs are too much to surrender this dream that has gone on for the last three years, this dream I once thought was lost, that wouldn't come true.

It's time for a lesson in reality...

You are John Hall...

You are twenty years old...

You have the gift of youth and untapped potential...

You are possibly the only one in the world that knows how doomed it really is...

You are alone...

If you don't act soon, you'll die that way someday...

You must overcome fear if you want love...

So, I have a real predicament. Every move has to be played cautiously. Whatever successes, whatever triumphs and whatever evils I've conquered previously will not come close to preparing me for what is about to happen. Even the great british isles will one day be washed away by the sea. Erosion is the ultimate enemy. You know what, even if this goes well, there is a possibility it will all be for nothing. Just because this encounter was a success, doesn't mean the relationship will last but you know what, I don't have a choice.

I love Ashley and I want to be with her. If we didn't make the move now, we would never move and then we'd be far worse. If I'm destined to be with this girl, I have to be with this girl in person. The emotions are there, the feelings are there, the history is known. Now its time to go forward to the field and claim what I should have had years ago. Will she accept me? Will I be good looking enough? Will I appeal to her senses, will she open up to me? I have no clue. I really don't know. The stars, the universe, all things in this dimension are spinning out of control. I can feel it. This insurmountable power that people only dream of. I have to make it happen.

Ashley's not the most easy person to be with. She's highly fortified. Shy to the extreme. Very abused and easily frightened. I have to be a better person than I have ever been before. I have to lower her defenses and earn her trust. I have to prove my love for her and I have to gain love once again. In a way, I think I'll fall for her again. It's a whole new field, you can't walk away when things go wrong, you can't sign off, you can't hang up, you have to stand there and face it.

Besides what she wants, I have to also get what I want. That can be a very real and very difficult problem as well. The mission still has unseen and unknown consequences. In the end, Ashley is going to be the most difficult thing I have ever faced. The boundaries I once had with her will be gone. She's going to be highly on guard and she's going to expect the worse. Every step I make could make her love me more or make her feel like she's made a great and terrible mistake.

Her fears are strong and maybe they should be mine as well. She's often posed the question, what if I don't like her?

I have never thought of it. I don't think it can happen though. I love shy girls, I have a history with them. I also have terrible shyness. This battle will be fought on her territory during a time in her life where she's not exactly where she wants to be. She feels like she isn't worth it sometimes. She doesn't understand why I love her and she doesn't believe this will be different from any of the other previous experiences I've watch her suffer. This is a two way dance and it has to end. However, when the dance is over, will she want to dance again or will she decline me when the music starts to play again. She feels like she's a temp, holding a place until I find someone better. This girl is so troubled, I have a lot to deal with and a short time to make a first impression.

She tells me not to worry but, she doesn't know. When I leave her at the end of the trip, she'll think about everything I said, everything I did and every single way I acted towards her. I have to control myself but at the same time be myself. Its difficult. I want to give her all my love but, she's not going to want to do all that. She's not like that and I have to exercise extreme caution. Too many steps forward will be too many steps for her. At the end of everything, she will come to three conclusions. The last one I want her to come to is that we wouldn't work and need to just quit. In the second possiblity, she'll think we were okay and need to work on things some more. The one I want her to come to is possibly the most difficult conclusion for her to come to. She loved me, had fun and wants more of me.

Let's face reality again...

You are incapable of living on your own...

You are an Operations Specialist...

That doesn't mean anything outside the Navy or even the military...

You are in love with a girl who has issues...

You have lost her trust once and gaining it again will not be easy at all...

She loves you but you need to prove you love her...

You don't know how to do that and there's no one to ask who can tell you how...

Every step you take could possibly ruin everything you've ever wanted...

The last girl you met in person had mixed and somewhat lower opinions of you...

The last girl you loved this much died four years ago...

You are in no way capable of predicting her every move...

You will not get the keys to the house on the first day and maybe not the last day...

You are just beginning...

You are John Hall and you are embarking on a risky adventure that will either ruin you or give you everything you've ever wanted. This is the final mission. There will be no support, no backup, no one to help you and you will be on your own the whole time. This mission has no guarantee of success or failure and in reality, there is no telling what results if any are possible of happening. You are afraid and you have every reason to be. You don't know what to expect and whatever happens, you could end up losing it all. You knew the risks and you knew this wouldn't be easy. No one ever told you to back away and you know you couldn't give up because you want to be with the woman you love damn the consequences to hell. Let's hope luck is on my side. This is a mission I can't decline...

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No Medals, No Promotions, No Reason To Use Restraint

Oct. 15th, 2006 | 02:12 am

Well I had Duty on Friday the 13th and let me tell you, there is no such thing as a lucky day in the Navy. Then again, the only lucky day a sailor can have is the day they tell him he has 24 hours to leave the command. I'm not going to rant about it but there were times where I didn't know if I was serving my country or doing community service. I finally got to be a real MOOW though. For the Navy-illiterate, that's Messenger of the Watch. Why not MotW? Because, if it makes sense, America doesn't want to hear about your witchcraft. The next few weeks are going to bring about some important stuff. I'm going to see the Dolly. Before I can see her though, I have a few things here I need to take care of. I don't know what will happen but its worth a shot. I'll have to keep things from falling apart in Washington and travel thousands of miles to be with the girl I've only ever loved from afar. It's kind of scary, its kind of horrific but in a way, there is a feeling of excitement that no one will ever understand or appreciate.

My service to my country is finally taking a physical toll. All the time, we have to wear boots. Well, that's good and all, except, it helps contribute to Athlete's Foot. In my case. I got it fairly good except for my one toe. It's a tenth of a degree from being deformed. There's like this abnormal growth and these four minor bumps that form this wicked square on the back of my toe. It's effing disgusting. I'm trying to treat it but this Navy environment is not very friendly to the human body. The floors are covered with all kinds of germs and dirty as hell, naked to the human eye. You can't walk around barefoot. I've bought some stuff to help out and to make things better, I've decided to change socks more than twice a day and wash my feet at least three times a day. It's not going to ensure things get better but its going to do some Damage Control. Speaking of Damage Control, I was digging through my rack and found the Lord of Laundry's study guide for ESWS. ESWS are elite Enlisted Surface Warfare Specialist. To become ESWS qualled you have to know almost everything about your ship from what department does what to who receives and or sends what report to the president of the United States. There's all types of information about what types of radar and satellite links we use and so forth. It's highly confidential material. I think I'll take a good long read through it.

A SECRET security clearance can be a good thing sometimes.

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Surviving Isn't Easy

Oct. 11th, 2006 | 02:20 am

Wow, nothing goes well for sailors. I thought things were harsh but, some people make me worried. The USS Abraham Lincoln is on a on an all hand's call to hell. In the month of September, the Lincoln averaged a DUI every other day. To top that off, we had 15 other alcohol related accidents and that's not mentioning all the domestic disputes people got into and all the other crimes our shipmates comitted. The captain was pissed. He gave us a "What the fuck?" speech last week after four of our sailors died in a fatal car crash brought on by drunk driving. Then after Friday's "Don't fuck up!" speech, three sailors from Operations Department got DUIs. We're doing worse than last month. To top that off, a good friend of mine that stood watch with me during the deployment tried to commit suicide. What the fuck is going on with the world?

Self-destruction is going to the extreme. I've even heard allegations of some homicides. It's off the wall. They were all good people, they wanted to make something of themselves. They wanted to make money for college, they wanted to be something, they wanted to help protect the country they grew up in and they're ruining themselves, they're ruining everything they stood for and hurting every one they ever cared about for what? Maybe you don't care but you should. These people, these disgruntled, self-destructive people are going to get out of the Navy someday. Some of them will go to all kinds of places. You might get robbed by one or even killed. The government doesn't even care.

I'm really just upset at all the stuff that is going on. I'm not only in the wrong league, the team I'm on is working on making itself the most notorious ship in all the seas. The average age of people on Abraham Lincoln is 20. They're not that old and they're ruining themselves. It's this place, its so confining, depressing, oppressive and horrible, people can't handle it and unfortunately people feel so trapped, they don't know what to do when the time comes for them to leave. For now though, I can't do anything but watch. Can't do anything but sense the desperation, the depression and the anxiety people are going through. I just don't want to be here anymore. I don't want to see the people I lived side to side with for half a year ruin their lives this way. It kind of hurts watching these people walk around. I don't even want to talk about it though, surviving this hell is one of the hardest things I've ever done. You don't know horror until you've walked in to the beast of the ultimate devil and stood and watched it digest all the innocent good people that got lost along the way and know you could have and still could be one of those people. This is not what these people deserved. No one deserves this. That's life though, you get consumed or you survive.

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Dog Day Duty Weekend: Vergina Hour

Oct. 7th, 2006 | 11:56 pm

Sometimes I think about the choices in my life and I truly regret it. Sometimes I look at what some people have done and regret not making the same decisions and having the things every one else has. Sometimes I think about the people I work with and truly wonder about the fate of the nation and worry for our allies because they don't know what they've got for backup. Maybe its in the english in me but, proper spelling has always been imperative to the sanity of society. Unfortunately, the military has never got the point across that education is more than just being better at killing than the other guy.

Vagina...

Every guy thinks about it. Its a daily occurence, any one who tries to deny it is a horrible liar. It's okay. Our hormones are beyond the imagination of anything. The more we deprive ourselves of these things, the worse it gets. What doesn't make sense is that some guys can't spell vagina. Operations Specialist 3rd Class Sean Clark is one of these people. He tried to be funny, he turned out to be horribly wrong. Halo 2 lets you makeup funny ass names. Clark decided he wanted be a Vagina Hater. Well, I had to go to the Alpha Working Party. When I came back, I got this...

Virgina Hater...

At least I thought he meant he had something against Virginia. All full-fledged OSs before the New Navy went to A-School in Virginia Beach, Virginia. However, that wasn't the case. It was suppose to mean Vagina. Instead, we got Ver-gina. Yeah, I know, no va-gyne-ah but ver-gyne-ah. Oh well, I give up. Idiots get all the vergina they want and people like me have to go without it forever and forever and forever and it kills us. Oh man...

You know what though people, let's get some vergina!

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Dog Day Duty Weekend Day One

Oct. 7th, 2006 | 10:10 am
location: USS Abraham Lincoln
mood: boredbored
music: The Blowing by the Ventilation

Good morning to all my west coast people! To all my east coast people, good afternoon. Well, this is going to be an interesting couple of days because today and tomorrow, I am confined to my ship and the barge. I've got duty and with duty, comes immense responsibility and immense boredom. For one thing, I'm not really able to make calls and for another thing, if something bad goes down, which it never does but its always possible, I saw a fire truck parked outside the ship on my way here. Either way, things can get bad.

I don't have much to talk about. I just miss being out to sea. It rocked being an Operations Specialist. Right now, I'm just sitting in my office and going over a Lookout Training manual. I never really thought there was much training involved, I really thought they might have a lot of questions every now and then because out to sea, you never know what you're going to sea. I remember being in the Gulf of Thailand and lookouts were reporting bamboo while we were right in the middle of the ocean, way behind the range of sight to see land.

It was fun. I miss tracking contacts, I miss the little drama of having a tiny ship mysteriously appear 15 miles away from us and desperately trying to find it and trying to keep it from colliding/attacking us. In truth, its going to take a ridiculously big ship to hurt a carrier but, that little ship is going to get fucked up and those people will naturally be killed so we have to look out for our tiny friends in the water. Oh man, I want to go out to sea... shore duty only rocks when after you're done for the day, you can go home and get some booty.

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Listen Up!

Oct. 6th, 2006 | 02:13 am

You love someone, they claim they love you. You go to be by their side and they abandon you and keep stringing you around like a cat chasing yarn. The worse thing about feelings is never being able to deal with them. Never being able to kiss that special person, never being able to tell someone something you've always wanted to say or anything of that matter. Everyone feels and when you can't express what you feel, that's the worse of things.

Emotions, love and hate, anger and regret, all the things that run through your head when you wake up, when you realize you're falling behind and you know for a damn fact you can be better, you know you can do better and you're sacrificing things for reasons you don't understand. I know this and I'm sick of living like it. We're all puppets, ruled by historys we could have never written and will never be able to change.

We'll never be able to make our dreams come true but, if we admit that, that is the ultimate defeat. So what choice do we accept? I'll never be that most perfect person, I'll never be what you want me to be and no you'll never be any where near where I want you to be because I know you have potential and you know you're scared and too afraid to go after the gold when the cave seems abandoned.

We walk in the rules because we've all been lead along for so long, we don't know what happens when we go outside of the boundaries and when we do go out, we never know what will become of us. We build our prisons, our trenches and surround ourselves pretending to be happy because we want our bubble, we want to feel safe and we want to pretend that things will get better on their own but they won't. They never will. It's up to us. We will never have control of our pasts but we will always have the final line when it comes time to write our endings.

My story, you're story and the person you love's story each began and will end differently. What you contributed, what you gave will be remembered by every person you effected. The question you want have to ask the most though is were the memories good ones? You then have to ask yourself were your memories the ones that were the best?

Fight damn it, break down the walls. End this charade, quit pretending everything is fine and just let it all out. Tell that person you're sick of their shit and they need to change or its over. You're going to die you fool. Not by my hands, not by someone else's hands but yours. Every day, you take a shovel and you dig a hole that gets a little bit deeper and when you least expect it, you're going to fall in that hole and its going to collapse and you'll be buried alive. The true tragedy of the hole is that you only fall when you neglect the things that are the most important. So as the dirt falls, as darkness consumes you, you'll never have a chance to do all the things you meant to finish.

Why don't you stop reading this and go. Go after them, go after your dreams, not tomorrow, today damn you. Start making things happen, start making yourself happen. Stop pretending and start making things happen. Don't let your past bury you, don't let the way things are now make you a ruined person. Stop the madness, raise the alarm and go to your battle stations, this is a war. Not against the demons of hell, not against the greatest armies the world has ever seen but the one thing we all fear the most, failure.

In a few moments, you'll be leaving this page and you'll be moving on with your life. The only thing I hope you remember is you are mortal. You will grow old someday, you will die someday. If you have something you want to do, start making it happen today. I don't care if its late at night or some other bull shit, you may never have another chance. Ask yourself when you're going to die? If you know, you're a liar. Nothing's written in stone. Stop bitching and make something out of your life damn it!

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It's Too Late To Say You're Sorry

Sep. 30th, 2006 | 10:23 am

About Her - Malcolm Mclaren

My babe's got a heart, like a rock thats in the sea
My babe's got a heart, like the rock thats in the sea

Well no one told me about her, the way she lied
No one told me about her, how many people cried

My babe's got a heart, like a rock thats in the sea
My babe's got a heart, like the rock thats in the sea

Well no one told me about her, the way she lied
No one told me about her, how many people cried

But its too late to say you're sorry,
How would I know,
Why should I care?
Please don't bother trying to find her, she's not there

Well no one told me about her(x2)
How many people cried,
But its to late to say your sorry,
How would I know,
Why should I care,
Please don't bother tryin to find her, she's not there

She's not there

It's a really beautifully timed piece in Kill Bill Vol. 2. Always listened to it, never really looked at the lyrics. I feel in some ways, I can really relate to this song. I think I ruined every single thing I had with Ashley in this single week. All these years, worthless. I think I said the perfect line that summed up everything. I told her she was an angel and I don't know how to treat angels, I can try but I can never really do it.

I've always kind of had this dormant opinion on her as an underachiever. I never really let it effect my overall opinion of her but, sometimes it would slip out. Sometimes it would make me kind of mad. It wasn't that she was a bad person or lazy but she never opened up to me and told me the real story behind it all. She let me know as much as she wanted me to know. I offered to help her out several times but, she didn't want my money. I never meant to hurt her but ultimately in love, there must always be pain, horrible pain, it won't go away, it won't die, it will burn and scar and stay fresh in your mind all the time.

Like she said before, I don't know anything about her and I had to sadly agree with her on that statement. As much as I was with her, she always kept me hundreds of miles away from her and the truth. On two occassions, she said she wanted to be with me and I never really knew how to react. I mean, how could I? I really thought about it, what kind of relationship would we have? The only way of communication we have is our cell phones. Even when we were on good terms and offered to come visit her, she refused.

I told her I didn't care about how crappy her place was or anything. I even took out the ultimate excuse. I immediately asked her if thought I was just going to want sex from her. Even when that was out of the question, she still didn't want me to visit her. So honestly, what kind of relationship would we have? I can't play these long distance games anymore if there's no payoff. I really want someone to take places, buy things, make happy, be with, just cuddle and enjoy. Even when I reversed the role, she declined me paying for her to visit me. So really, what kind of relationship is that? We get to talk on the cell phone as long as we want, oh boy. I never get to see her, I never get to buy her anything unless she absolutely needs it, its not a relationship, its a cry for something better.

Everytime she's asked me, its never been on good terms, its always been because she feels so bad for me or she felt threatened someone might take me away from her. The last time she offered to give me a relationship was ridiculous. I was always interested in helping the poor. I was always interested in journalism and documentaries. I came up with this radical idea. I'd get a camera and a small crew and we'd go film hobos and have conversations with them. We'd find out why their poor, go find out why they can't get jobs, what the government is doing about these people and then for the ultimate move, try to bring a hobo out of poverty and get them a job and a place to live and make them something decent again. My friend Hillary thought it was kind of neat and was up for the idea. Ashley was not only appalled she couldn't believe I had such a terrible gap in my life that I'd try to fill it by raising a poor person. She asked me what I wanted from her and I said a relationship. She was like "Fine, you want a relationship, I'll give you one."

It just didn't feel right. I couldn't just okay, yeah in a situation like that. Needless to say, she got sad because I didn't automatically go with her and she cried. That was the second time this week, the final strike came the other day. Unlike her, I work. I don't know what she does all day. Everytime I ask, she says nothing. I ask her what she wants to be and she tells me she can't be that because she's too shy. I brought up one time I was talking to some of the McDonalds people because I go there so very often, I know most of the people there and even have nicknames for most of them and she was like "I could never work there." She confuses me to no end. She's good with kids but, doesn't want to be a nanny. I know she's done babysitting before but, I don't know what else. She said she use to help people fix their computers. She's lived a life I barely know anything about and doubt I will ever know.

Anways back to me, I hate my life. Since I'll be out of the Navy in 7 months now and don't really possess any real skills when I get out, I can't really be sure if I could afford a car. I thought about buying a used car. Something cheap but, it needs to be something that can be easily taken care of. Besides, they break down too much. Besides, I don't make enough money to honestly be able to pay for maintenance and everything. By the time my pay actually means something, I'll be in the Reserves. To make things even more horrible for me, the Navy stuck me on a fucking barge. This barge may as well be called prison. No this barge is insanely worse than prison. You get to live in a berthing. You'll share it with maybe five or six guys but it'll be built for twenty so you'll have tons of extra lockers and racks but guess what, you can't use those because someone else might be able to have them. Then to make things even worse, they will lock the room if you don't clean it. Not cleaning it can constitute a ton of random definitions. Like not taking out the trash every day or even forgetting to put a new roll of toilet paper in one of nine or ten stalls you have. If that's not shitty enough, they make you stand EMI where you will have to do an extra hour of work if they inspect your rack and you have gear adrift, gear adrift could be something as simple as leaving a sock on your rack. Fuck that, that's the living conditions you have if you join up.

So no wheels and no real fun kind of home. These anal bastards close the laundry room down at ten a clock at night. Like what harm would it cause the world and the country if I did my laundry at midnight? Oh no, I might have clean clothes. The only Tvs in the barge are in the Lounge, the only real furniture is there too. So if you want a real comfortable place to play games and stuff, good luck, you have to hope your first in a group of thousand. There's no wireless internet and even better, you can't use your cell phone? Oh god, the horror and ridiculousness of that place compelled me to saying no to the Navy. The living conditions are the bare necessities. We're defending our country and were thousands of miles away from the people we care about and some fucking ass hole who raped and murdered a bunch of people is living better than us. Some guy cheated thousands of people out of their retirement savings and he gets a room to himself and gets to do whatever he wants. Its fucking ridiculous, send those fuckers to die in Iraq, let those fuckers die for their country.

I try not to let it get to me though, I honestly do. I always try to help people out on the ship. Like this week, I went and opened up a dumpster for a kid carrying a large bag of trash. Little things are always the nicest things. On Friday, they were doing some kind of fundraiser on the ship. They were selling Krispy Kreme donuts. For 7 dollars, you could get about 14 really good donuts. We go to our muster and I decide to give out some to my fellow workers and even my LPO IS1 Craft, a real good guy. After that, he let us out early for the week because we had gotten a lot done. I went and had some but after giving them out and eating a few, I still had about six or seven donuts so I decide to go my OI Office, The Naval Warfare Publication Library where we keep our things. Sure enough, there's few OSs in there. I get to give one to Shenefelt who's friends didn't come through for him. I also peak my head in the E-6 and Above side of the office and get to hand out some more, I kind of felt good when I saw Senior Chief look at my donuts and gladly take one. He's one of the few people I respect in the Navy. Hell, if the Captain should have just walked by me, I would probably offered him one. I had a few left but decided to let the office have them incase any one else wanted any.

My friend Allington offered for me to come out to his house for the day and stay the night. It was a fun little treat. I looked in the fridge and was overwhelmed by the alcohol inside it. I took some Mike's Hard Lime. That is some freaking good stuff. If you want something that tastes good, that shit rocks. I had like two of those in less than an hour which is kind of amazing since I've gone two months without alcohol. Anyways, I call Ashley through out the day and she immediately becomes displeased. We were going to talk about us but, she thought drinking was stupid and I didn't even sound like the same person. I didn't think that I was really that bad. Anyways, I call her late at night when I'm sure its out of my system and I try to talk to her but she doesn't want to talk to me and we end up having this upsetting dialogue all the while I'm next to my friends and they can hear everything and she just gets upset and I end up making her cry once again. I end up hanging up on her without saying I love her. I feel bad and I wait and for a while. My friend keeps on telling me, call her, call her and I can't just automatically call her. I make a gamble and call, I start off saying I'm sorry and I love her and she just says "Whatever..." and hangs up on me.

Depressed, I go to bed. I wake up early and next thing I do is check my voicemail. The first message is a sad, crying Ashley saying "I just want to say that I don't ever talk to you again so don't bother calling me tomorrow." So that's it, end of the story. I want to call her later today but I don't know what to say. I can't ask for forgiveness and I can't fix things this time. Everything is beyond repair, the relationship is out of my hands now. The more I think about it, the less I want to call her again. I loved that woman so bad and just because I wanted to have a day of fun, in my dull pathetic life, she doesn't want to talk to me. I'm young, young people go hang out with their friends, young people drink. I wasn't doing anything crazy. I wasn't even trying to be extreme. I was me without the lying, the pretending, the worried feel of what could happen and you know what, I was not that bad of a drunk. In all relationships, sooner or later, every one drinks, every one gets drunk. It's an eventual event. So I showed her that side and she hated it. I never cared when she got drunk. Whatever though, sooner or later, that person you love will have to see your weaknesses, your failures, your atrocities and your downsides. That person that claims to love you will one day have to see you naked and either be deterred or encouraged into a relationship. I showed myself to her without inhibitions and she rejected me. That's fine. I'm not going to let her go without a fight but I don't know anymore. This relationship is a very straining one. Chasing after her, again and again is just leading me around in circles. I think I'll let her try to get a hold of me this time.

It's like the old saying goes, if you love something, let it go. If she comes back, I'll know our love was true if I go back to her, I'll know I was the only thing keeping us going. So I'll wait for now and if Ashley keeps her decision, that's fine. I'm tired of trying to be perfect and trying to live up to expectations that don't really mean shit. Besides, if I got with her, what would become of us? What happens when I get out of the Navy and don't have to live so far away from her and what happens when I can get vacation time and go see her. All good questions but who knows? Is she with me because she wants to be or because I wanted her to be? I don't know any of those answers and maybe, I don't even want to know them but, I'd rather learn them then continue trying without avail. This is going to be the climax. There'll either be a tragedy or a happy ending. I don't care anymore, I want a real resolution now more than ever. I want to make something and if it turns out all this was in vain, so be it. Good or bad, this must come to an end. What that ending is, I'll let her decide.

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