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Dealing with Karma

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Mar. 10th, 2014 | 01:24 am

I've been going through some of my old entries and wow, I was an evil bastard when I was younger. Malevolent to the extreme. A true American psycho. All I wanted was to be loved and when the first chance came, I got screwed over. Then when genuine, real deals came, I took advantage of them. One by one and sometimes, four or five at a time. The internet gave me the freedom of anonymity and the ability to have access anywhere and like a true capitalist I exploited it all.

There's no possible way to count all the women I wronged.

It was foretold, I'd be alone the rest of my life.

I fought that and like Dorian Gray, sought the pleasures of the flesh again and again until I realized I wanted more.

Time and time again, I wanted to be good. I wanted to be the hero the world needed, not the one it deserved. I wanted to fight for freedom but put myself in a steel jungle. The hell felt ever so real, I wanted to escape it.

Sometimes, I think I should have killed myself.

It's too late for that though. It'd be an utter waste. I'm a father now, a man with an obligation and a responsibility to his child.

I once was a girl's boy friend, just as a birthday present to her. That relationship broke up and she became a model, for as far I know, quite some time, possibly still today. I've lost touch with her. I've apologized to her and we made peace but it never felt like I've had it.

I've tried to apologize to as many of my victims as possible but I don't think even if I went face-to-face with each and every single one of them, it'd matter. The past is the past. I've forgotten most of them and they've mostly forgotten me.

I look in the mirror every day and see age slowly working to undue the work of nature that caused so much devastation.

I think of the friends when I was younger and realize how few of them are still around. I've had this house for nearly 7 years and not one friend has set foot in it. At the end of the day, I feel more alone now than ever.

I was really freaking cruel and terrible to Ashley and I've said I'm sorry to her many times and some times, I think she believes me and other times, I feel like I've left her with some scar she'll never be able to get rid of. That was the evil in me and I still think it's there. Dwelling, biding its time. There'll be another day when it's unleashed.

I'll fight it though. I have to overcome it.

I think I've been atoning for it for some time now but I don't know how much of the balance has been repaid and how much is still out there. IT might never get paid off. I have to accept that and realize I might be hell bound one day.

The little boy that wanted to be the hero and save every one and make every one happy is long dead. I miss him and even if I had a chance to talk to him, I don't know what I could say to fix things. "Get a job, don't bother with the internet that much, debt's not that scary, try college, be smarter when you decide to face off against Al Quada."

I don't feel sad or guilty about what happened. It was a long time ago in a different life. I guess I needed to face it though and remind myself of what was real and what was fake. There's still a lot of fake out there but eventually, I'll confront that too and face off against the truth. I've seen other people crack when confronted with the truth, I hope to prove myself as competent against it.

If you come across this livejournal and read it beginning to end, know the emotionally unstable, lovestruck young man has grown up. I don't know if he's happy or if he's just absent of the pain of the past. Something that just happened a long time and eventually time forgot about it and it was healed. He's alive though. He's struggling but he's fighting. He's scarred but he wears it with pride. He has a child he loves and does his best to take care of. He still dreams of being a writer and that dream might never come true but as long as he has it, it keeps him busy and gives him a sense of purpose.

Will he have his happy ending though?

Only time will tell.

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