Log in

One step higher in 2007

« previous entry | next entry »
Dec. 20th, 2006 | 11:14 pm

As much as it had its setbacks and failures and utter standoffs, 2006 was a year of accomplishments and experiences. It was a year to see the world and realize how far I have yet to travel before I can call it over. Part of me died, part of me changed and I realized the world as it spins its orbit around the sun among the cosmos the world will always be the same, I won't be. My life is slowly dividing itself into prison sentences. Each one has its drawbacks and disadvantages and I realize each time I make these prisons, I imprison myself and if I want I can walk away.

I saw only four countries in Asia. I haven't even touched Russia, Vietnam, South Korea, India, Tibet or any of the Middle Eastern states. I wouldn't mind walking in the streets of Jerusalem or even dodge a few bullets in Baghdad. I know it seems foolish but I've been craving to go there lately. Sounds suicidal but, it isn't. Sometimes to truly feel alive, you have to embrace danger even if it means losing your life. There's something in me burning to feel alive.

Everything feels so surreal. I was never really afraid the whole time I was out on deployment. There were close calls but, its hard to be afraid when you know your ship's arsenal rivals some countries entire fire power. You know you are invincible when you work the radar and know we're monitoring planes as far as 250 miles away from the ship. Our pilots train daily and you just know there is no chance of being killed. It kind of eliminates the point of caring of whether or not you do the job right.

People always say I look like I'm lost. Honestly, I am lost. When I was first entering the Navy, there was a lot of skepticism over whether or not I'd make it through BASIC. I did though and went through so many obstacles. I got to go on an Aircraft Carrier and got to see a bunch of places I always wanted to see. There's no option and no chance of me staying in the Navy so now I have to walk away but, can I ever have a normal life again? Would I ever want to?

I want to go back to Hawaii again. Oahu is so mystical, you don't even feel like you're in America. Staring at Pearl Harbor from the flight deck is one of the most mystical things one can ever do. I'll never forget when my family flew in to visit me and during the course of old soldier memories, my grandpa asked me how the whores were and told me all about how when he was a young soldier, there were so few prostitutes the guys had to wait in long lines.

Man, our generation has it so good, we don't even know. When I walked down a single street in Pattaya, Thailand there were so many whores, you didn't even know where to start and you knew you'd be a damn fool if you didn't at least give them all a proper look before you saw one. Just remember, while you're playing you're X-box 360, PS3, Wii and whatever else, you're grandpa was waiting in extremely long lines to get laid.

I know its crazy but when I make OS3, which won't be until next fall, if the war looks like it's still going sour, I think I'd like to volunteer to go over to Iraq. Right now, through the Individual Augmentee (IA) program more and more OSs are being pulled and sent to the desert. I don't believe in the war, don't believe in the cause, don't believe in any of it but, I want to feel danger and fear. I want to see deaths and kill. We're so out of touch with reality, the only thing that will save us is close calls with death.

We're all just wading through this life. We're like bombs waiting to go off and die. I refuse to go out with a boom, I want to stop the clock, I want to live and live free. How can you honestly say you're happy when you're wasting your money trying to drown out reality? You'll ignore it and ignore it but at the end of the night, when you're all alone, when the money runs out, you'll regret it all. You'll hate yourself and you know it.

I need to transcend this all. My naval experiences have taught me the meaning of true isolation and starting over with nothing. I have to harness all these things and turn them to my advantage. Live or die, stay in the cave, the prison or be free. You have to make a decision. Damn the consequences. History's greatest failures will never be known because they never even tried to accomplish what they set out to do. They just sat there, let their problems engulf them and rotted away slowly.

They died deaths more painful then any gunshot or explosion. They died a slow torturous death where they saw nothing but pain and agony and at the end of the day were farther and farther from their dreams, their goals and what little accomplishments they could say they had were meaning less and less to them. I need to go a step higher in 2007. The question is, can I do it though?

Link | Leave a comment | Share

Comments {0}