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Dealing with Karma

Mar. 10th, 2014 | 01:24 am

I've been going through some of my old entries and wow, I was an evil bastard when I was younger. Malevolent to the extreme. A true American psycho. All I wanted was to be loved and when the first chance came, I got screwed over. Then when genuine, real deals came, I took advantage of them. One by one and sometimes, four or five at a time. The internet gave me the freedom of anonymity and the ability to have access anywhere and like a true capitalist I exploited it all.

There's no possible way to count all the women I wronged.

It was foretold, I'd be alone the rest of my life.

I fought that and like Dorian Gray, sought the pleasures of the flesh again and again until I realized I wanted more.

Time and time again, I wanted to be good. I wanted to be the hero the world needed, not the one it deserved. I wanted to fight for freedom but put myself in a steel jungle. The hell felt ever so real, I wanted to escape it.

Sometimes, I think I should have killed myself.

It's too late for that though. It'd be an utter waste. I'm a father now, a man with an obligation and a responsibility to his child.

I once was a girl's boy friend, just as a birthday present to her. That relationship broke up and she became a model, for as far I know, quite some time, possibly still today. I've lost touch with her. I've apologized to her and we made peace but it never felt like I've had it.

I've tried to apologize to as many of my victims as possible but I don't think even if I went face-to-face with each and every single one of them, it'd matter. The past is the past. I've forgotten most of them and they've mostly forgotten me.

I look in the mirror every day and see age slowly working to undue the work of nature that caused so much devastation.

I think of the friends when I was younger and realize how few of them are still around. I've had this house for nearly 7 years and not one friend has set foot in it. At the end of the day, I feel more alone now than ever.

I was really freaking cruel and terrible to Ashley and I've said I'm sorry to her many times and some times, I think she believes me and other times, I feel like I've left her with some scar she'll never be able to get rid of. That was the evil in me and I still think it's there. Dwelling, biding its time. There'll be another day when it's unleashed.

I'll fight it though. I have to overcome it.

I think I've been atoning for it for some time now but I don't know how much of the balance has been repaid and how much is still out there. IT might never get paid off. I have to accept that and realize I might be hell bound one day.

The little boy that wanted to be the hero and save every one and make every one happy is long dead. I miss him and even if I had a chance to talk to him, I don't know what I could say to fix things. "Get a job, don't bother with the internet that much, debt's not that scary, try college, be smarter when you decide to face off against Al Quada."

I don't feel sad or guilty about what happened. It was a long time ago in a different life. I guess I needed to face it though and remind myself of what was real and what was fake. There's still a lot of fake out there but eventually, I'll confront that too and face off against the truth. I've seen other people crack when confronted with the truth, I hope to prove myself as competent against it.

If you come across this livejournal and read it beginning to end, know the emotionally unstable, lovestruck young man has grown up. I don't know if he's happy or if he's just absent of the pain of the past. Something that just happened a long time and eventually time forgot about it and it was healed. He's alive though. He's struggling but he's fighting. He's scarred but he wears it with pride. He has a child he loves and does his best to take care of. He still dreams of being a writer and that dream might never come true but as long as he has it, it keeps him busy and gives him a sense of purpose.

Will he have his happy ending though?

Only time will tell.

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Finallly....

Jan. 30th, 2013 | 10:19 pm

It's been a long time in the making but FINALLY... JOHN HALL has come BACK to LIVE JOURNAL! It's been nearly three years since the last time I rocked the Live Journal but I am back now. I'm getting all my bases ready as I prepare to hit the writing world with DAU-01. DAU-01 will be the relaunch of my long tiled Dark Agent series. So far, I'm planning on going indy but I'm thinking of hitting the main stream media soon. I'm about half way through my rewrite. So far, this thing is about 253 pages. I've still got some final edits to make but I expect this tale to be done in April and released around May. I'll have more details when the time comes.

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Lost Things

Dec. 27th, 2009 | 12:50 am

Hi all, I'm back for now. I'll probably fade away again.

I just wanted to note that over the last year, a lot has changed and a lot has been lost. I don't want to go into it right now but I feel like I abandoned a lot of people. I have my reasons but in the end, they're not good enough to suffice my conscience. I think a lot of the damage is impossible to fix.

I'm not going to bring on the melodrama and bore you to death. I just wanted to note this down and see how much things change this time next year. I don't know what I can do but, hopefully I can fix the warpath I created.

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A Hall is born

Mar. 6th, 2008 | 10:03 pm

For those of you that don't know yet, Heather gave birth to our first child Claire Jillian Hall last week on the 25th, for pictures and more, check out my myspace. Thanks!

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One Year Later

Jan. 16th, 2008 | 08:22 pm

Its been almost three years since I graduated High School and its funny how things keep changing and changing. On Tuesday, Heather and I will have been together for over a year. We've got a house and a baby due in March. I realized a long time ago I can never go back and sometimes I realize I don't know where I'm headed but I do know one thing.

I can make it.

It kind of feels like I'm Jack Bauer walking onto the set of Season 6. A lot of people from the beginning are gone now and a whole bunch of new characters are around. Unfortunately, they're not as cool as my Navy cast or the Old School Crew. That crew consisting of Tim, Bobby, Vince & Brian. Hopefully though, things will change. Right now, I just need to get through this next hurdle. Even Jack Bauer has to go it alone sometimes.

Fortunately, my Chloe O'Brian is the hot and lovely Heather Koski. Shame, she and Morris are having a baby, Jack and Chloe would have been an awesome match. Anyways, things turn upside down in the event of a year. If I get my way, this summer will be a new experience and hopefully I can hit up some of my old friends.

I really wish I could do something non-canon and have all my favorites team up for some adventure. I need to reclaim my writing ability. I've got the worse and it won't die. I'm not going to give up. I'm going to be like Robert Neville. Last one standing but I'm never going to give them the satisfaction of seeing me die.

This is a journey, this is an adventure. I'm excited to see what the future holds. I can't wait to raise Claire and train her. I think I can set her up better than I was so she won't have these problems. I realize one thing I want to do, is give her enough money to go on one big adventure when she graduates high school. I think everyone should go out and see the world for themselves at least once.

Claire Jillian Hall

Don't forget that name. I think I'm going to be a good dad. I'm not going to be hovering but, I'm not going to be in the shadows either. I want to teach her everything I know. I want her to take information and decipher it. This information age has brought on a ton of new problems. One, how do we know the information is true and who supplied the information, for what purpose?

She's got to be on the top of her game if she wants to make it in today's world. I'm going to see to that.

I can do only so much but, hey, its 2008 and I'm going on 22. She'll be 18 when I turn 40 which means one thing. I'm going to be in peak condition when she's of age to battle the robots. Something big and climatic is definitely coming, I want Claire to be ready for it. I'll fight as much as I can but, its going to be a whole effort. On the plus side, my nephew Curtis is turning 2 so I can train him to be a soldier in my private army.

Who knows, maybe we'll have to retake Washington D.C. someday? If the next eight years look like the last eight, we're headed for bad times and bad times quickly. Either way, I'm going to keep rising to the occassion. I'm not going to back down from a challenge of this caliber. The future is a dark and mysterious time.

For now, I have my Heather and my friends. So am I going to sweat too much about the fate of the world?

Probably not.

Anyways, things are what you make them. You either watch your situation deterioate or you do something to repair things. So the question is, how far are you willing to go?

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Something To Listen To...

Dec. 21st, 2006 | 11:00 pm

As I drift closer and closer to my glorious return to the civilian world, I still think about the people that kept me strong throughout the deployment. I was just a loner and in the end, I slowly made friend after friend and share a bond few people have with others. Anyways, to get the real feeling, you have to hear the music but, here's the lyrics to a really awesome song.


Tear You Apart
by She Wants Revenge

Got a big plan, this mindset maybe its right
At the right place and right time, maybe tonight
And the whisper or handshake sending a sign
Wanna make out and kiss hard, wait nevermind

Late night, and passing, mention it flipped her
Best friend, who knows saying maybe it slipped
But the slip turns to terror and a crush to light
When she walked in, he throws up, believe its the fright

Its cute in a way, till you cannot speak
And you leave to have a cigarette, your knees get weak
An escape is just a nod and a casual wave
Obsessed about it, heavy for the next two days

It's only just a crush, it'll go away
It's just like all the others it'll go away
Or maybe this is danger and you just don't know
You pray it all away but it continues to grow

I want to hold you close
Skin pressed against me tight
Lie still, and close your eyes girl
So lovely, it feels so right

I want to hold you close
Soft breasts, beating heart
As I whisper in your ear

I want to f*cking tear you apart

Then he walked up and told her, thinking that he'd passed
And they talked and looked away a lot, doing the dance
Her hand brushed up against his, she left it there
Told him how she felt and then they locked in a stare

They took a step back, thought about it, what should they do
Cause theres always repercussions when you're dating in school
But their lips met, and reservations started to pass
Whether this was just an evening or a thing that would last

Either way he wanted her and this was bad
He wanted to do things to her it was making him crazy
Now a little crush turned into a like
And now he wants to grab her by the hair and tell her

I want to hold you close
Skin pressed against me tight
Lie still, and close your eyes girl
So lovely, it feels so right

I want to hold you close
Soft breasts, beating heart
As I whisper in your ear
I want to f*cking tear you apart

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One step higher in 2007

Dec. 20th, 2006 | 11:14 pm

As much as it had its setbacks and failures and utter standoffs, 2006 was a year of accomplishments and experiences. It was a year to see the world and realize how far I have yet to travel before I can call it over. Part of me died, part of me changed and I realized the world as it spins its orbit around the sun among the cosmos the world will always be the same, I won't be. My life is slowly dividing itself into prison sentences. Each one has its drawbacks and disadvantages and I realize each time I make these prisons, I imprison myself and if I want I can walk away.

I saw only four countries in Asia. I haven't even touched Russia, Vietnam, South Korea, India, Tibet or any of the Middle Eastern states. I wouldn't mind walking in the streets of Jerusalem or even dodge a few bullets in Baghdad. I know it seems foolish but I've been craving to go there lately. Sounds suicidal but, it isn't. Sometimes to truly feel alive, you have to embrace danger even if it means losing your life. There's something in me burning to feel alive.

Everything feels so surreal. I was never really afraid the whole time I was out on deployment. There were close calls but, its hard to be afraid when you know your ship's arsenal rivals some countries entire fire power. You know you are invincible when you work the radar and know we're monitoring planes as far as 250 miles away from the ship. Our pilots train daily and you just know there is no chance of being killed. It kind of eliminates the point of caring of whether or not you do the job right.

People always say I look like I'm lost. Honestly, I am lost. When I was first entering the Navy, there was a lot of skepticism over whether or not I'd make it through BASIC. I did though and went through so many obstacles. I got to go on an Aircraft Carrier and got to see a bunch of places I always wanted to see. There's no option and no chance of me staying in the Navy so now I have to walk away but, can I ever have a normal life again? Would I ever want to?

I want to go back to Hawaii again. Oahu is so mystical, you don't even feel like you're in America. Staring at Pearl Harbor from the flight deck is one of the most mystical things one can ever do. I'll never forget when my family flew in to visit me and during the course of old soldier memories, my grandpa asked me how the whores were and told me all about how when he was a young soldier, there were so few prostitutes the guys had to wait in long lines.

Man, our generation has it so good, we don't even know. When I walked down a single street in Pattaya, Thailand there were so many whores, you didn't even know where to start and you knew you'd be a damn fool if you didn't at least give them all a proper look before you saw one. Just remember, while you're playing you're X-box 360, PS3, Wii and whatever else, you're grandpa was waiting in extremely long lines to get laid.

I know its crazy but when I make OS3, which won't be until next fall, if the war looks like it's still going sour, I think I'd like to volunteer to go over to Iraq. Right now, through the Individual Augmentee (IA) program more and more OSs are being pulled and sent to the desert. I don't believe in the war, don't believe in the cause, don't believe in any of it but, I want to feel danger and fear. I want to see deaths and kill. We're so out of touch with reality, the only thing that will save us is close calls with death.

We're all just wading through this life. We're like bombs waiting to go off and die. I refuse to go out with a boom, I want to stop the clock, I want to live and live free. How can you honestly say you're happy when you're wasting your money trying to drown out reality? You'll ignore it and ignore it but at the end of the night, when you're all alone, when the money runs out, you'll regret it all. You'll hate yourself and you know it.

I need to transcend this all. My naval experiences have taught me the meaning of true isolation and starting over with nothing. I have to harness all these things and turn them to my advantage. Live or die, stay in the cave, the prison or be free. You have to make a decision. Damn the consequences. History's greatest failures will never be known because they never even tried to accomplish what they set out to do. They just sat there, let their problems engulf them and rotted away slowly.

They died deaths more painful then any gunshot or explosion. They died a slow torturous death where they saw nothing but pain and agony and at the end of the day were farther and farther from their dreams, their goals and what little accomplishments they could say they had were meaning less and less to them. I need to go a step higher in 2007. The question is, can I do it though?

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Rainbow Sixs & Cranks

Dec. 20th, 2006 | 06:52 pm

Ok, that's probably the wrong way to pluralize six but, I don't feel like background checking it. Once again, the man toys with me. Today, I officially started cranking.

What's cranking you ask little billy? Well cranking is when the man takes its people that were sworn to defend to the country and turns them into mobile fastfood infantry. When you start cranking, you basically become the equivalent of a McDonald's employee. Cranking's divided into a group of different catogories. Some serve food, some clean estate rooms and then there's me, I get to maintain the messdeck.

Maintain the messdeck. See how working for the government gives you opportunities to redefine things that are simply dull or trivial or something you just don't want the people to think about. Like the term cranking itself? Who the fuck came up with that? Sounds like your working on a fucking car or winding up some ridiculously big ass clock. No, its just some incredibly ambigous term the civilians will never find out.

Here's what I do, we must around 8:15. We set up the tables around 9:30 and have chow around 10:00. Then for two and a half hours, the madness begins. We clean and then we clean. I was in charge of defending the juicebar against spills and hazardous ice and ketchup attacks. Of course at ten, most people aren't there so we just sat there and waited. When you're waiting for a spill or someone to accidentally drop something, time just slows down.

There was also another crisis, the cups. If people ran out of cups, the sailors would revolt. We had to keep a close eye on the amount of cups we had out in constant support of the war on terror. If Osama Bin Laden knew how thin our morale was, he'd be doing his wicked jihad dance.

It's really not that bad of a job but its just dull and kind of degrading. I just did my first day and its just going to drag itself out. I swear, no one can do a serious Navy movie anymore. No one, it's impossible. Everything is a joke. Hell, the SEALs are probably playing Socom, wishing they had something to do.

I got to make a Navy movie about my life. Start with the enlistment papers, showing me asking if I get the GI Bill and so forth before I sign and the guy saying yes and then fastforwarding to me getting told I'm not eligible for benefits. Then the mediocrity of bootcamp. The simple pleasures of A-School and then the fun of Deployment and the ridiculousness of why the United States needs such an expensive Navy. We'll include my brushes while in PAPERCLIP and my days cranking and hopefully this story will end on a good note. Me getting the hell out and making love to Ashley on some beach in Hawaii. Now, that'd be a hot ending.

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Status Report V30

Nov. 17th, 2006 | 07:12 pm

I can't do my job anymore.

I feel like a complete and total criminal every time I check my bank statement and withdraw money. It's blood money. I didn't earn it and I just damn myself the more I take it. Sometimes I think I just can't go on period but, I want to. Sometimes I'm tempted to pick up and abandon everything. I don't though. Ashley may or msy not be the love I'm destined to have but it'll be a cold day in hell before I give up on her and leave her out in the cold. The job is ridiculous now. I use to want to stay but I know better now. I'm going to get out and then I'm going to focus on what's important. I want Ashley to play a closer role and I want to start working on making it possible for her to live with me so I can take care of her. I got another offer to publish my manuscript. I've been thinking of rewriting the final copy of my work. I'm so dedicated, I heard Hemmingway almost got fired because he rewrote a book so many times his publisher couldn't wait anymore. It'll be interesting to see what happens when the final copy is released. I'll update everyone later.

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Status Report

Nov. 8th, 2006 | 12:25 am

Well, I got my barracks room. In Bremerton too! Not only that, we survived our first flood! About time being in the Navy paid off. About time indeed. Well, Ashley and I are on speaking terms again. We got a long road ahead and I know I hurt her a lot but, I want to stick to trying to be a better man for her. Its late though so I'm not going to say too much this journal. As the old saying goes though, the Democrats have the Senate and the John has his Ashley and all is right with the world.

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